Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We can only heal as a nation, once we acknowledge that Morris Day and the Time were robbed in the battle of the bands in Purple Rain.

   My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

   "Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin' awesome." - Pew Pew Pew Research Center

   My dog was starting to take my love for granted so I made her watch one of those really depressing ASPCA animal abuse awareness commercials. This morning she washed my truck and took out the trash.

   The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves,"You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

   Someone talking on his Smart phone while driving his Smart car got into an accident with a truck.....this was very oxymoronic .

   Ya know, I am one for advancements in technology but honestly all this stuff that has been coming out lately is like a freaking stalker's wet dream!

   My wifi doesn't have a password because I have unlimited Internet so I don't give a s@#t.

   The older and fatter I get the more my underwear makes me feel like a dolphin trapped in a tuna net.

   You can't see your next if you're too busy looking at your Ex.

   We all have that one person we would take back in a second, no matter how much they hurt us in the past.

   If your not over your EX then don't move on Cause you playing with someone else feelings!

   laughing cow cheese...i wonder what grass those cows eat to laugh so much

   I knocked down a poop splatter on the toilet wall with my stream... top that!!!

   In case I die, please update my status as "no more copy and paste". My password is ********** Thanks

   BREAKING NEWS: President Obama just announced the NEW' American Jobs Act which Is being redefined for unemployment Americans, they will now be classifies as "people with earning disabilities."

   Don't ever forget the 'L' if you ever Google, 'Grandfather Clock.'

   Best friends have Conversations impossible to understand by other people…

   I'm not saying she's a slut... but she's been licked more times than Wonka's Everlasting Gobstopper.

   LIFE TIP: Next time you do something illegal, look serious and carry a clipboard.