Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Money :::: humans are the only species that have to pay to live on earth..

   Wanna have a happy relationship? Try switching your gf's lipstick into gluestick!

   I currently have six quarters jingling in my front left pocket designated as "spares".

   A dog asks a cat "How come I've never seen you cats making love in public?" The cat replies, "Do you want humans to steal our style like they did yours?"

   Apparently alcohol contains female hormones. After you drink enough, you can't neither drive nor shut the hell up

   Golf ball sized hail wouldn't be so destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.Do I have to think of everything?!

   It's depressing to think how much more Dora the Explorer has seen and done in her life compared to mine.

   I gave my wife a gluestick instead of chapstick last weekend and she's still not talking to me.

   How is the show "Deadliest Catch" not about AIDS?

   SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who's ever used a cell phone will die.

   Whenever you see the words" SUGAR-FREE" or "FAT-FREE" Tthink of the words chemical sh*t storm.

   Just found out I lost my concealed weapon permit, this means I can no longer wear pants in the state of Texas!

   This morning I thought I heard a neighbour blasting that new Skrillex song, but then I realized it was just the garbage truck

   For the love of God, how do I remove Vuze from my computer????

   I hate nerds who coverup their answers. Like come on bro lets work together.

   Cats. Because why should conditional love only come from family?

   My phone just autocorrected Volvo to Vulva without me noticing it and now my boss thinks my Vulva is having the dents banged out of it by 3 guys at the body shop! Thank you auto-correct! This day's going to rock!

   I got some new deodorant, instructions said "Remove cap and push up bottom." Now I can barely walk, but when I fart, it smells amazing!

   I'll be another year older soon and I've always been told that you're only as old as you feel. Would you like to feel me and tell me how old I am?

   I really enjoy running geese over in my car. It gives me goose bumps!