Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bought some skinny jeans… but they're 2 sizes too big, so I just call them jeans.

   When I'm at the bar, I buy women drinks based on how high their heels are just so I'll have something to laugh at later when they're drunk.

   I just drank a whole pot of coffee and now I can stutter in sign language.

   When I see a guy tweeting nothing but sweet quotes for women, I feel bad for him. It has to suck never having a girlfriend.

   When I turn up the car radio, that's a sign to shut up… not talk louder and ruin the song.

   If even a fraction of you women were as slutty as you pretend to be here, there'd be a lot less men talking about what they do to socks.

   I wish I had a nickel for every time I wanted to sell weed.

   I'm sorry I upset you. I'll try not to be right next time.

   Checked out Instagram. It's mostly pics of what people had for dinner. I didn't want to feel left out so I took a pic of the sh!t I just took.

   Women like foreign accents my ass… I've been talking like Marvin the Martian all night and haven't gotten one single phone number.

   Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

   Ladies... After a BJ, if your makeup doesn't look like The Joker's, you half-a55ed it.

   What the f needed cutting so urgently that people were running with scissors in the first place?

   seriously thinking about opening a midget strip club with a midget stripper pole and all

   Have you ever seen the Cookie Monsters feet? No. thats diabetes for you.

   Well, I've been watching this show for years and in still waiting for these guys to bust the myth about 'Once you go black, you never go back'

   I'm pretty sure the way my brother just depicted Oprah in Draw Something should be considered nothing short of a hate crime.

   Here's to the women who love me terribly, May they soon improve.

   You stopped serving breakfast at 10:30!?! Seriously? Who gets here by 10:30? What am I, a fn farmer?

   My girl says she doesn't want me j@rking off in the shower anymore. I told her its my d!ck and I'll wash it as fast as I want to.