Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I remember when Joe Biden told someone to shut up on national TV. Then Joe took that guy's job, his house and his Twitter account. That was awesome.

   The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.

   If the CPA's are ok with your tax return, and the IRS is ok with your tax return, why is it so important for the LameStreamMedia to see your tax return? #WitchHunt #FakeNews #Haters

   I here by proclaim that I identify as a person of color.

   Never compliment a woman on her mustache, No matter How epic it is .

   Why are there no professional ball scratchers? On behalf of men everywhere, let me say this... they'd make a fortune.

   People aren't too smart these days. If someone is fighting so hard to keep their tax returns a secret, that means that person has nothing to hide!

   A cross pollinator is a worker bee who asked the queen out on a date, but was told she only liked him as a friend.

   Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.

   My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick

   If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, do I still need a logging permit?

   i only eat nature valley granola bars in the beds of my enemies.

   Marriage tip #7: The first thing you ask your wife when she comes to the door from work is what she going to make for dinner? She will appreciate it because you are putting your family's needs first above your own.

   Marriage tip #6: When your wife is laying down on the couch, ask her if she plans on doing anything today. This will subconsciously remind her that she has chores to do that need done, and she needs to get up and start doing her chores.

   I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.

   What's so appealing about the confederate flag? I just don't get it.

   Just ate at a new combination pizzeria/Buddhist temple. Their motto: Give Pizza Chants.

   I once swallowed a book of synonyms. It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

   it a bad thing when your only form of social interaction is when the dryer buzzer goes off? Asking for a friend..

   you wanna get into my pants, feel free. They’re over there on the floor. Haven’t worn them in months.