Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend says she's going to leave me for being too impatient. I can't wait.

   Don't need to worry about zombies here in West Virginia....no brains.

   We're getting so obese, they've added new plus sizes.....Huge....Gigantic and Oh my God, it's coming our way.

   So now if you tell a woman you want to eat her is she going to cover her face and scream?

   Okay....who's responsible for my "poke" finger smelling funny?

   When it comes to music...Rock...um...uh...ROCKS.

   ''Plus size'' Woman = Beautiful...."Plus size'' Man= Fat ass

   Like if you remember San francisco riding gear jeans

   Like if you remember British Knights shoes

   Some people should use glue stick for lip balm.

   Just treated my nostrils to a Brazilian!!

   .When the doctor said that we couldn't have sex for 6 weeks, I actually saw a tear roll down the palm of my hand

   Ever wake up to an alarm and hit the alarm clock and the sound doesn't shut off...so you keep smacking it and just before you throw it against the wall you realize that it is your phone? That was me yesterday...

   I own a shop selling 'CLOSED' signs. We haven't had a single customer.

   Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.

   Iron Man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command.

   •Keep the smile. •Leave the tear. •Think of joy. •Forget the fear. •Hold the laugh. •Leave the pain. •Be joyous till i. post again!.

   It's hard to trust someone who starts each sentence with "to be honest".

   I mean, I held a door open for a guy once, but everybody experiments in college.

   The heavyset woman walked with pace, clutching her purse, seemingly unaware that she was invisible to society. Muggers included.