Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My favorite button on Facebook is the one that says “not now.” The world needs more buttons like that.

   You can't be ugly and play hard to get, it justdoesn't work that way. you are already hard to want.

   Ask your girlfriend if she wants to go dancing. If she laughs at you, she's a keeper.

   That Al-Queda #2 position is cursed. It's like being on the cover of Madden.

   Sometimes you wish you could just fast forward time just to see if in the end it's all worth it,..

   I always go the extra mile. The restraining order says I have to.

   a rivalry between two vegetarians still called a beef?

   Art imitates life. Imitation is the highest form of flattery. Flattery will get you nowhere. So GOOD LUCK WITH THAT ART DEGREE!

   A stepdad should be called a “Faux Pa.”

   Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those live forever.

   Just hired a cat sitter to sit on my cat.

   Haven't seen David Blaine in a long time. I'd say it's his best trick ever.

   I wonder if Pitbull reallizes that he is the NEXT Li'L John ?

   USA Today should just change their name to USA Day Before Yesterday...

   I dreamed last night I was with Jesus and we were riding dinosaurs. Awkward...

   do not interfere when 2 gay guys argue. You never know when it may come to blows...

   I hate when I'm at someone's house & they ask stupid questions like "Who are you?" "How did you get in?" And "Is that a gun?

   WHENEVER YOU GET BORED , SEND THIS TEXT TO A RANDOM NUMBER....." I KILLED HIM , NOW WHAT ? "

   Dance like no one is watching or just stop dancing in public you weirdo.

   The road to Hell is paved with everything that feels like Heaven.