Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey alcohol and aspirin companies... Have you two met each other? Team up all ready and make that sh*t happen! Sincerely, Hungover as hell!

   You know before Facebook, I use to call up 435 friends of mine everyday... just to tell them 'how much I hate my work and how much I love getting stoned.'

   When I don't have a good status... you end up wasting your time reading sh*t like this.

   I walked into a pet shop this morning and said, "I'll have that cute little kitten over there please." "A present for somebody?" asked the assistant. I said, "Yes, it's my pitbull's birthday."

   Flinging poo at a monkey in the zoo will get you kicked out, even if the monkey started it.

   If you don't carry around empty Dunkin' Donut gift cards to give to cops to get out of tickets, you guys aren't trying hard enough.

   It seems that table salt does the complete opposite of bath salt. It sure woke this dead ass bologna sammich up! If I could only get the tomato to stop chewing on my lip...

   To give myself a break from being so sexy all the time, I like to sleep 'normal.'

   How the hell do ballet dancers spin around so much and not get dizzy? I spin around twice on my seat at work and I vomit in the trash can.

   *Facebook* How I look in photos I upload: s(•_•)z How I look in photos I'm tagged in: \(•~°)/

   If being drunk before 3pm on a Friday is wrong, I never want to be right.

   Elmer Fudd knew how to deal with a duck face.

   Just told a girl that she has two centipedes on her face but then I realized it was her drawn on eyebrows.

   The Center for Disease Control released a statement this week that zombies do NOT exist...with the exception of Donatella Versace.

   Her: “I'm overweight, my boobs sag, I have wrinkles and my hair is turning gray… Compliment me so I'll feel better.” Him: “There's nothing wrong with your eyesight!”

   I hear birds chirping. Either I'm up way too late or I've banged my head cartoon style.

   Mexican jokes & black jokes are all the same. Once you heard Juan, you heard Jamal.

   Sometimes I like to pet another dog while making eye contact with my dog. Adds just the right amount of tension to our relationship.

   LeBron left Cleveland so he didn't have to play by himself in order to win a ring. Looks like Miami is just Cleveland with better weather.

   Magic Johnson just said Lebron is special. When a guy who beat AIDS calls you special, then you know!