Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I asked a fortune teller to read my future. Suddenly, she went pale and sprinted from the room. So I grabbed the crystal ball, chased her down and beat her to death.

   I hate it when tramps sit next to cash machines and ask you for change, cash machines only give out notes. If you want change, go sit next to a pay phone!

   STOP holding secret meetings about my paranoia!

   Jewish women aren't cheap with the bl0wjobs

   A beautiful woman touched my balls! It was with her foot when she kicked me, & she thinks my name is “sexist pig”, but I think she likes me!

   Yeah, Mr Real stupid.

   This cop is not buying "I need it to scratch areas on my back I can't reach" as an excuse for carrying an AK-47.

   If you're looking for the Poop emoticon on Whatsapp, go straight to the "people" tab.

   I want to start a radio station that only plays music by people who play instruments.

   This lady just said she's naming her baby Nevaeh b/c its Heaven spelled backwards. I said, just name her what she's going to end up being. Tulsa.

   I'm wearing one of those Chippendale bowties to make people wonder if my clothes are breakaway.

   I never know the proper handshake to give a black guy wearing a suit

   I put suicide notes next to roadkill so their animal families have some closure.

   There is nothing worse than running out of toilet paper and having to ask the guy in the next stall to wipe you.

   Nicki Minaj is always dressed like a Japanese girl's luggage.

   I just got a new Easy-Bake Oven for the blanket fort, don't tell me how to impress a woman.

   But seriously John this IS my first rodeo! What am I doing with this angry bull again?

   During sex last night I whispered those 3 little words in my wifes ear...................................."Stop, Don't Move".

   so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

   Be my guest, rain on my parade, I have the biggest umbrella you have ever seen!