Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My favorite reality show is that one with all the fights at restaurants or bars.

   so So, my script is about a lactose-intolerant psychic lesbian spy with a penchant for cheese fries & loose women. -Awful movie pitches

   I like to take a day off every now and then to create the illusion of a real life.

   They say real men! don't eat quiche. Well we'll find out in 45 minutes...

   If everyone were telling the truth on fb, the economy would be booming, all kids would be geniuses, everyone would look like they're in their 20's, and all relationships would remain happily ever after.

   T̶r̶ eat your girl right, or someone else will

   Apples don't fall from my family tree, NUTS DO ..............

   I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist..

   If eating a bunch o junk f food when you're supposed to be sleeping isn't a super power, then I don't know what is...

   Why did God create man first? So he wouldn't have to be told how to do it.

   Looking at all the post on my news feed, it is very hot today. News Flash people, it is summertime. That is what happens in summer months. Keep me posted in January also when it is cold out. Thanks

   Sometimes when I play a game on my computer ,the screen goes dark . and I see my own reflection in the screen and wonder what I am doin with my life ..then the next level starts.

   Fortune cookie from last night. "Bad luck, and misfortune, will haunt your pathetic soul for all eternity." What's this. Some kind of sick Chinese joke.

   I would walk into the light, but that's where all the bugs are.

   I'm not what nature intended.

   From now I'm going to on Craigslist to try finding love. Or at least a free mattress with questionable stains to cry myself to sleep on.

   Not to brag, but I can have any girl I don't want.

   If you can tell I'm drunk, you need to catch up.

   ‎54% of Americans prefer to "fold" their toilet paper instead of "wad" it. The same percentage believe organized religion will save your soul.

   We all used Facebook out of curiosity and it ended as an addiction.