Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The people in my office believe less is more. The less the women wear, the more of their work the guys will do for them.

   Lick me like a lollipop.....but don't mistaken me for a sucker.

   My garter snake don't want none unless you got buns, hun.

   Woke up this morning swearing I could smell pancakes, but it seems I was just smellucinating.

   I bet cats are pissed they can't sit on televisions anymore.

   If you're going to have sex with a stranger, make sure you are stranger than them.

   I put my phone on "Airplane Mode" and threw it in the air! ...Worst transformer ever.

   Everything has a purpose. The burnt fry is used to scrape off half the mayo on the burger…

   As I caress your firm roundness with my hands and press my face into your pink flesh your sweet juices run down my face. I love watermelon!!

   For a long term relationship to work the amount of times she's a pain in the ass has to equal the amount of times he causes pain in her ass.

   Dude fell at Walgreen's & my CPR training instantly kicked in! Had to hit him with the AED (defibrillator) like three times though, because he kept resisting.........

   I like my women like I like my chemistry… hard to understand and capable of blowing up at any time.

   Thankfully restraining orders don't restrict freedom of thought!

   Leaving a watermelon on someone's doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

   Ugh. Do I really need to register to your website to leave a comment? I just need to disagree with this assh0le real quick.

   No thanks bar hag. If I wanted a boozing, chain smoking, pot bellied skank, I'd stayed married…

   The best part about this status update is that by the time you've finished reading it you realize that there is absolutely no point to it

   Thanks lady in line at the fast food counter ordering your sandwich with 10 special requests for reminding how awesome being a dude is…

   I like a bit of badassness in a girl

   Where is the sun today? Maybe I should put my batman suit on?