Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's not the size of the ship nor the motion in the ocean...it's whether the Captain can stay in port long enough for all the passengers to get off..

   *Spoiler Alert* Batman dies of throat cancer on The Dark Knight Rises .

   How to freak someone out. 1. Find someone on Facebook with the same name as you. 2. Steal their profile picture. 3. Poke them.

   Some of life's best lessons are learned while watching your drunk friends.

   One time I smashed my face into the keyboard and accidentally wrote the 4th Twilight book.

   Favorite alcoholic beverage??? ...the one that has the alcohol in it...

   I do feel that it is appropriate for us all to get on our knees and thank the good Lord that spiders do not fly.

   √-1 2³ Σ ╥ ....and it was delicious.

   So two lions walk into a bar,,,,,, they ate EVERYONE,,,,, it was a horrible evening.

   Whether the Heat loose or win tonight, I'm not drinking...... I dont care if you find that funny or not, but the Beer is laughing at me.

   More people would drink responsibly if there was a brand of vodka named Responsibly.

   Stop reading this and go have some sex

   Cell phone, I dont know why you keep capitalizing VODKA, But I like the way you party....

   I hate when people write thing like "b4" instead of "before." It's English, not Bingo.

   My favorite compliment of late was,,, "you're SO funny,, but seriously, are you ok?"

   Texting 101: (Oh) = stop talking to me. (K) = I'm done talking. (Whatever) = f**k you. (Fine) = f**k it. (I guess) = I don't give AF.

   LeBron James hairline got a back court violation.

   Some people are never happy. They pray for rain then gripe about the humidiity...

   Okay guys thats enough. Let's all agree to stop drawing on Lil Wayne while he's passed out drunk.

   Hey I just met you and You're kinda Crazy  So lose my number  Don't call me lady