Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

   Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

   A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying.

   When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

   No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

   FYI - If any kids are interested in harassing me on a school bus, or anywhere else for that matter..... I am available. I could use a nice $500,000 long vacation. I'm just saying

   I will never let my life be defined by my reactions to what other people think, say or do. Greatness lies just past pettiness.

   It's so hot outside Mayor Bloomberg drove to New Jersey to get a Big Gulp!

   decided that for my next career, I'm gonna be a stripper for the blind

   My wife has just walked out the door with the kids for good because of my addiction to horse racing. In fact, I can see them now - they're all at the gate - and they're off!

   It's so Hot outside I heard that the Taco Bell Chihuahua just put in an a application for Dairy Queen!!!

   I bet Abraham Lincoln killing vampires isn't half the movie as my idea about Bill Clinton destroying beavers.

   *Breathing hard* Today, I finally ran for 1 mile without stopping. STUPID ice cream man just kept driving even though I waved my money in the air...

   Lebron's inner monologue when asked about cavaliers fans: "I want them to resize my ring so I can show it to them in my middle finger"

   Tonight's weather: TROPICAL DEPRESSION FROM MIAMI HEADING TO CLEVELAND....

   (rj) Condom packages should come with warning labels... "caution do not use with alcohol!! may cause feelings of disappointment and utter disgust the morning after"

   I guess I have to set my phone on OKC mode this weekend........No Rings!

   You ever typed slower than your mind thinks? Yeah that just happened to me...... It was funny in my head, but when I read it I was like...clearly to much beer!

   You're not the dumbest person I know but the potential is there.

   It's so hot in my house. I'm sweating like a cat in a Chinese restaurant.