Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They say not to text and drive, but I still feel totally fine after two texts

   statistics show that everyone who's ever used a cell phone will die

   I'm afraid my pet's going to die soon - he's already 14,000,000 in rock-years

   Katie Holmes filed for divorce from Tom Cruise .... Was Rock Of Ages really that bad?

   So excited that The Weather Channel picked up "Weather" for another season!!

   It might be HOT but at least there's no BREEZE...

   LOL!!!! we need more post like the mirror one, your slacking here people!

   Make good memories today, so that you can have a good past.

   wanna come back to my place & watch some p0rn on my 60" flat screen mirror?

   ''Magic Mike''.......if I hear this one more time I hitting someone with an ''Open Mike!!!''

   Katie Holmes issues statement after confirming reports that she and Tom Cruise are to divorce - "I'm so happy I could jump up and down on the couch!

   Katie must be out of her 5 yr lease contract with Tom Cruise finally

   Magic Mike? - on my way to see Magic Gina at the gentleman's club.

   Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes getting a divorce...Now it's Katies turn to jump up and down on Oprah's couch.

   just excited I can start wearing heels again. - Katie Holmes

   Mission Impossible 5: Marriage

   so excited I'm jumping up and down on a couch now. - Katie Holmes

   Why do camels have v@ginas on their feet anyway?

   now the jumping on Oprah's couch professing my love for Katie is even embarrassing to me. - Tom Cruise

   I'm not the smartest guy, I don't have a perfect body, and this started out as a status update but is now my suicide note.