Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I age my single malt scotch 15 years in just a few months by subjecting it to a series of harrowing emotional experiences.

   May your enemies know the sound of a smattering of applause.

   I could've sworn my last status update was funny, but I won't argue. You guys know best.

   I can get as down and dirty as you need...I'm washable.

   If getting people to love you by dangling them over an eternal pit of hell fire is wrong, I don't want to be right.

   It takes exactly 14 Kitkats to make you pass out from a sugar overdose.

   These press on towels are rubbish,,, its taken three to dry one arm,,!

   "That's" - She.

   Hey God, Would you please test me to see if I could handle being rich?

   "Oh my gosh! A giant face just destroyed my house! Now he seems to be doing some weird dance?" - spiders

   I'm on that “Starts tomorrow” diet...... Everyday!!

   Some people should use a glue stick instead of a chap stick.

   I hate how after an argument I think of more clever things I should have said.

   I'm not sure I understand What The Hell you're talking about....But.....you're showing cleavage, so I will listen.

   Sometimes I ask her a question when I already have the info just to see if she lies. Then she shows why I can't trust her.

   I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I'm not even married.

   I don't think I'm better than you. I never think about you.

   Never grossly overestimate my need for your approval.

   I think I'm going to procrastinate tomorrow......but I haven't decided.

   She could have a Grammy, and I would still treat her like a Nominee.