Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   List of things I've accomplished today:,,,,, #1 Make accomplishment list..............................................................

   The Andy Griffith funeral? Who knows.. he could be cremated...or.. they Mayberry him

   Thanks for calling the revolutionary tipline. Your call is important to us. Press: 1 if by land, 2 if by sea, 3 to hear these options in Spanish

   The Amazing Spiderman was good but they didn't cover the part in his life where he co-founded Facebook...I assume that will be in the sequel...

   Anderson Cooper - I had to come clean, I was caught singing "Call Me Maybe" in my car on the way to work!

   Being a parent in the South is so easy... You just have to shout "Simmer Down" every few days.

   if a sniper used a laser to shoot me in my house, I would be wearing 3 cats on my face

   Sadness in its purest form....going to a bbq and instead of beer you find soda, kids, pinwheels, and bubbles.

   We need more propeller hats

   I have a feeling that 99.9% of the fingers blown off will be from males.

   America, happy birthday! I hope you do something fun and get lots of happy birthday wishes on your wall!

   To all the scientists who were a part of 40 yrs of finding God Particle- Congrats! A Gr8 day for science. Isn't it? BUT the question still remains- Where is the Goddamn calorie-free Beer!

   Redneck word of the day; Sapphire, Cletus accidentally sapphire to Bubbas trailer with a bottle rockrt

   I don't care what time it is!!! Grilling without a BEER is like going to church and not PRAYING.

   My american friends!! While you are enjoying your BBQ's, cookouts, and family get togethers! Please remember what this Independence Day truly represents! Today Will Smith AND Jeff Goldblum saved the population of earth from alien oppression by uploading a

   I won a math-debate

   I'm afraid of a world run by adults who were never spanked as kids and got trophies just for participating.

   While you are enjoying your BBQ's, cookouts, and family get togethers! Please remember what this Independence Day truly represents! Happy Birthday America! Still the greatest Country in the World!!

   what looks good on a mother in law? a doberman.

   what do you have when you have a mother in law buried up to her neck in sand? not enough sand.