Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Its almost Barf day. That day you get one more year older want want to barf but can't so you induce yourself with booz until you do.

   Saw a lady with back boobs at the beach. People with back boobs should wear backini's.

   Crap....all this time I thought I was listening to the Angel on my shoulder. Turns out the Devil on the other shoulder is just a hell of a ventriloquist.

   What is wrong with me!!!?........asking for a friend.....

   Direct TV can't afford their bill with Viacom..... Guess they shouldn't have spent all their money making that miniature Giraffe for the commercials.

   Anyone know where I could find a bunch of "Glad You Aren't Here" postcards to send out when I go on my vacation in a few weeks? I'll need about 50 of them.

   To all the single ladies out there who for some reason own a cat, please don't show up on your date covered in cat hair, its a huge turn off. Sincerely, every man in the world.

   Women never shut up...Especially during sex.

   No, no, no. I'm not insulting you. I'm describing you.

   I can't even figure out a v@gina how can I be expected to figure out emotions too.

   There is no life on earth without water. Because without water, there is no coffee. And without coffee, I'll kill you all.

   My wife said I never do anything for her so I packed her bags and put them outside.

   I woke up and found Sarah Jessica Parkers head in my bed. I guess I pissed off the mafia.

   I like picking up lone hitchhikers cause then when I am pulled over the weed is his.

   I'm going to stand outside... So if anyone asks, tell them I'm outstanding

   If you can't love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.

   The person who came up with the word "lisp" wath a real athhole

   I'm no gynecologist, but I know a c*nt when I see one.

   The day I grow up will be the day that I die.

   Driving a Prius shows women that you are socially responsible, environmentally conscious, and will be completely unable to make them cum.