Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up. I will lick you.

   This girl says she wants to butter my muffin.. I don't even know what that means but now I'm hungry.

   My doctor told me to start killing people. Well, not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing!

   Don't call a woman's privates by a bunch of ridiculous nicknames. It taint funny…

   I just saw an entire ginger family walking their dog. You could see the shame in its eyes.

   Hey ugly girls, stop wearing sexy perfume, you're confusing my d!ck.

   Funny, this warrant doesn't feel so outstanding.

   I don't like the term "substance abuse". I prefer "teaching substance a lesson".

   They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper "Dont do it" when you open them.

   And the moral of Little Red Riding Hood is,,, Learn to differentiate facial features between a wild dog & a human...

   I slid a piece of toilet paper into the next stall with "I can feel your heartbeat" written on it. You could hear a pin drop in here.

   I will not be happy until I get everybody thinking about my nutsack hanging out of my unzipped, yet buttoned jeans, every time they see

   He's making a list,, and checking it 42 times,,, then washing his hands 11x,, and finally touching the sleigh 3x for good measure...: OCD Santa

   I once said “a penny for your thoughts” to a girl and it cost me a dollar…

   Some people think I'm pretty funny until they marry me.

   If there was a way to read a woman's mind...I'm still not sure I'd want too...I hate shoes, shopping, gossip & I already know I'm annoying.

   Scientists have discovered some intelligent dna in women, unfortunately 95% of them spit it out!

   You don't have to fight over who sleeps in the wet spot if one of you is smart enough to flip the mattress over.

   Relax,,, We're all crazy.. It's not a competition.

   Confidence is sexy, unless you're a fat girl wearing yoga pants in public.