Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not saying you're ugly! I'm just saying you're a 12 pack away from being why type!!!

   I think it is so impolite for people to sneak up on you while you are talking about them behind their back!!!

   I wsh mirrors, pictures, and what I think I look like would get together and agree on what I really look like!!!

   Marriage.........when dating goes way too far!

   My date last night told me she loved being handcuffed yet all she did was b!tch at me as we sat in the back of a squad car after the robbery

   Girls always win because girls always have the v@ginas.

   Ranch dressing is too a pizza topping! Open your mind-hole and stop hating on deliciousness.

   I know I really like someone when I can listen to them talk about pooping and not get grossed out. Apparently, I don't like this girl.

   Erectile dysfunction starts with small talk.

   Cookie dough flavored vodka? Ugh. Stay out of the bar Mary Poppins.

   You don't refer to a pen!s as a 'pork sword'? Well I guess this friendship is over before it began.

   YEAH!!! We should take guns from everyone now......we should also remove everyones teeth just in case to save face

   Tried to share a Burger with a Homeless guy ..He said F#K OFF!! Buy Your OWN!!!

   i used to have super power but my therapist took them away

   You know you're a Lo$er if your mom wants you to help set-up things for your twins Surprise Birthday Party!!!

   I tried exercise but I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.

   Just shredded cheese by hand. Sorry in advance for the pieces of nails and skin.

   Now..a cheaper way to express your love...----E-cards !

   I can't believe the hookers you see on COPS ever..ever..get a customer..mmmm lesions

   Probably drank too much coffee this morning. Probably drank too much. Probably too much coffee. Drank too much. Coffee. Probably.