Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Relationships are all about finding someone that works opposite hours than you so you never have to see them.

   I asked my mom one time why I was white and she was black. She said, " the way I remember the party you're lucky you don't bark."

   I am so hungry I think I'd probably choose pizza over sex right now.

   Polygamy sounds great until you realize you have to keep all the wives happy.

   Relationships are all about finding someone that completely trusts you. In other words, naive.

   what can I do today that is only going to happen once in a blue moon???

   When I was a kid I was really scared of the dark. Two of them mugged me and stole

   The J€ws only use the Old Testament, because its too expensive to upgrade.

   Best pickup line: "I don't have a gag reflex."

   Glancing in the mirror this morning, I gasped in horror. mouth opened I slowly raised my hand to my head and plucked not 1, but 2 grey hairs from my fringe line! it was at that moment in time that it finally hit me.....I'm getting old!!!

   Got up at 6am. Did yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

   I suspect someone has a voodoo doll of me out there that they make watch Jersey Shore and listen to Justin Bierber.

   GIRL TALK: Leaving me gasping for air after we have sex wins you a second round.

   GIRL PICK UP LINES: "I want to be the girl that takes your breath away and gives you CPR with my v@gina"

   An apple a day takes a billion dollars away

   Tell her you love her hair, her eyes, the way she wrinkles her nose...and get laid this weekend.

   Someone called me selfish and then paused as if they expected me to argue.

   My wife hates it when I drink. Or breathe.

   A good head on HIS shoulders will open doors. Great head on HER knees will open every single door.

   My american dream is to live off medicaid, welfare and food stamps.. then I can spend all day on facebook ;)