Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only time to lower expectations is 30 minutes before the bar closes

   Friday is the beginning of my liver's workweek.

   "Osama bin Laden is dead and General Motors is alive."

   I remember waking up after my first wet dream....I thought a ghost had came in and gave me a handjob.

   People who cry like a baby over repeated jokes. Life is short - stop sulking.

   Note to self: When picking your nose in the car... watch out for speed bumps.

   Jessica Simpson is such an inspiration to nobody.

   Mexican word of the day... Bishop. "My girlfriend fell down the stairs, so I had to pick the Bishop"

   Oh for god sake, just fall in love with me already so I can stop acting normal.

   The best curve on a woman is her smile :) ...No I'm just kidding, it's her boobs.

   If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

   The best thing about relationships is realizing the full level of batsh!t crazy you are capable of achieving.

   The way to a girl's heart is presents. The way to a woman's heart is presence.

   Without women, life would be a pain in the ass. If you don't get this, you're too young to be on Facebook.

   The purpose of this status is to let you know that I have nothing to say, but that's not gonna stop me from saying it....

   There's a point in life when you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything, but it's not giving up, it's realizing that you don't need certain people and their crap.

   Can Travelocity help me find a vacant womb for the weekend?

   Politicans should stop acting like high school girls. The first one who doesn't talk bad about the other one and just states what he will do to fix the country is the first one I would be happy to vote for

   When I'm having a crappy day, sometimes I'll yell out "Computer, Arch!" hoping it has all been a Star Trek Holodeck simulation.

   Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you're dead ... then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.