Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Saying "with all due respect" lends gravitas to the massive pile of disrespect you're about to lay down.

   Those Cialis dudes get turned on when they see really bad acting

   I shall judge you based upon my personal demons against an unattainable standard while belittling you for not living up to my expectations.

   Ladies; He may need a soft place to land when he falls, but it helps if that soft place is also tight and wet.

   In case any ladies are interested, I just finished cleaning the dishes.

   It's not "honey boo boo" it's "honey moo moo" it's fat got some mad cow disease so let's take it out back and kill it!

   The best conversations happen late at night.

   Nobody cleans a house faster than a guy expecting to get laid.

   Quick question: does anyone know if the “five second rule” also applies to liquids?

   I don't usually talk to people who use the words "SWAG," or "YOLO." But when I do, I order a large fry.

   ..... WOW ..... I just found my pet rock my father gave me back in the 70's ...... Amazingly enough it was STILL ALIVE!!!

   The president of Pepsi announced that he is leaving the company after less than a year on the job. The company isn't sure but they think he might have a Coke problem.

   The company that made the Tupac hologram is filing for bankruptcy. The announcement was made by a company spokesperson — Elvis Presley.

   Ask your wife if she's done talking,,,, and you've just GUARANTEED she's not..... Ask me how I know,,,,

   I think we should replace the Marriage vow "`Til death do we part" with "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger".

   It's not good music unless your parents AND your kids hate it

   How to kill a Spider: Get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.

   If I text you all like.. "heyy :)" and you reply with "hi", I'm done taking to you..

   Over time you start noticing that some people just aren't worth it anymore.

   My past is my past, it made me who I am, I have no regrets, wouldn't change a thing. I just don't live there anymore.