Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All I said to the person in front of me at the grocery store checkout line was "beautiful mustache"...a COMPLIMENT. Then, for no reason at all, she got all angry, gave me a dirty look, grabbed her purse, and walked out....

   You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff some guys pay money for in later life.

   Coolant means something else when it comes out of the engine lid when you've been driving for 30kms

   hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused

   an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin

   Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.

   Father’s Day just keeps getting bigger every year, thanks to DNA testing.

   Honey is one of my favorite kind of animal vomit to eat.

   My adopted highway called the Department of Transportation to find his real father.

   They should make a Morning After pill for people who eat an entire large pizza the night before.

   Between Gaay Pride and Juneteenth, I say we eliminate this month altogether.

   Every time my woman sends me to the grocery store to pick up a cucumber, I always buy a jar of Vaseline, so people don't think I'm a vegan .

   This can't be the same 92° I used to run around outside in as a kid.

   Amazon, quit fluctuating your prices all the time. sincerely- your customer!

   Happy Father's Day to all ads.... Except to those who can't drive a manual. Happy Mother's Day!

   I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole in my air guitar

   I wish I had the confidence of someone who puts the ziplock bag of food back in the fridge without distinctly hearing the clicks of the zipper

   Democracy is when 2 wolves and a sheep meet to decide who is for dinner. Liberty is when the sheep has a gun.

   Tip of the Day: Get your Drivers License picture taken when you're drunk, that way when you get pulled over and you're actually drunk, the cop will look at your picture and think you look normal.

   A School held a contest for 6th grade kids. the theme of the contest was, 'The Nicest Thing My Father Did For Me'.... The Winning kid said, "not wearing a condom...