Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Coffee makes the world go round; love only populates it!

   As long as you know most men are like children, then you know everything you need to know. ~ Coco Chanel

   Don't give me that look, I said I was single not dying.

   Respect my lack of authority

   I'm not agoraphobically antisocial. I just refuse to leave my house and talk to stupid people.

   Ladies; Don't be a woman with teenage problems!

   If you're not going to swear at me during sex, then I'm not doing it right.

   I want to leave my carbon footprint up someone's ass.

   It's my birthday. Make me happy!

   I gave my friend the privacy he needed when talking to his girlfriend & now he's like "I could've died when you pushed me out of the car".

   I've run out of tampons, so i'm going to spend the next few days upside down.

   A horse walks into a bar. A chicken crosses the road. A lot of animals do things. It is not our place to judge.

   Ladies, how will we know you're going through a tough breakup if you're not clutching your coffee mug with both hands?

   Parents: Help you grow from a child to an adult.. Then they become your roommates and get mad when the rent is late..

   Due to your inability to put dishes in the dishwasher, I am diagnosing you with Dishleprophoia - Fear of being trapped inside a dishwasher...

   You never know what you have until you log off Facebook.

   ''If he doesn't hit you, he doesn't love you.'' - Rihanna

   I'm at a point in my life where I'm just at a point in my life. Something I would say if I was drunk in a bar called ''Point in My Life.''

   My left nipple is 3 minutes slower than my right at hardening.

   You are an absolutely amazingly wonderful person and I'm thoroughly frustrated at my inability to help you to recognize that fact.