Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Light beer is for pregnant women and p ussies!

   Dear Tequila, Why do you make me so angry and so horny all at once?

   Men resolve a fight with a fist fight. Women resolve a fight with years of backstabbing, name calling, rumor spreading & social exclusion.

   I'm not stalking you. I'm protecting you.

   I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search, and now I don't have to go to family functions any more.

   You know what I'd really like from a woman? Consent.

   Who do I speak to about quitting adulthood?

   Its Friday, Anything worth doing is worth doing weird.

   I rate that sharks circle before attacking because humans taste better without sh*t in them.

   When Eminem, wrote Recovery, obviously he wanted to Recover. Akon wrote Freedom, because he wanted freedom. And Justin Bieber wrote boyfriend, hhmmmm......

   Remember the theme song from the Adams family?.. trust me, you will all day ;) dabba-da-bump *snap*snap

   Jenna Marbles needs to STFU already and do porn

   Apparently, vodka is not a relationship, it's a beverage... (sigh)

   My ex-wife is living proof of how stupid I can be.

   She : "Are you asleep?" Me: "No, I'm just looking at my eyelids."

   Apparently the person in the next stall doesn't want their feet tickled.

   My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.

   When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that sh!t.

   The silence that occurs when I'm waiting for my little sister outside the playground, and a mother asks me "What child?" and I answer, "I have not decided yet ..."

   She removed her jeans threw it to me and said ``Make me feel like a woman``... and I removed my trouser threw it 2 her and said ``wash them both...