Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Wife just asked if she looked ok in her new pants.. She did... But I paused to long,,,,,,,,,,,,,Please send an ambulance…

   I Just saw a tumbleweed roll past my last post

   I never, ever pay attention to who unfriends me. But god does.

   All year I try to give candy to children and the parents start yelling "don't take candy from strangers!"Then Halloween comes around and you send the brats to my front door. Well I'm keeping my candy this time!

   I overhead my neighbor on the phone telling someone I was creepy and weird. I was so mad I almost crawled out from under her bed to confront her!

   I'm not surprised Kristen Stewart couldn't act faithful. She can't act happy, sad, frightened, mad, shocked or aroused either.

   My favorite part of last night's presidential debate is when I watched the Tigers/Yankees game instead.

   legend has it that if you romance and violate me equally, i'll do anything you want. - Women

   Why can we only bet on horses, why can't we bet on two-bit hookers being chased by knife wielding rabbis? I'd bet on that shi t.

   I overheard my neighbor telling someone on the phone that I am creepy and wierd. I was so mad I almost crawled out from under her bed and confront her.

   "I have 37 pairs of shoes, 23 purses, 9 pairs of sunglasses & an overflowing closet but how dare you waste $200 on that stupid toy!" - Women

   I wish I was in a gang so I knew what do to with my hands in pictures.

   The best part about pooping with the door open in the morning is being able to see everyone's face at Starbucks.

   The only pain that brings my soul to its knees is hers.

   I don't have any old girlfriends. They're all so young.

   My favorite mythical creature is the Honest Politician

   Pulled into the grocery store parking lot, went down one isle and was coming up the other when I saw an open spot one space from the end nearest the door and thought, "what a break"......God I hate Smartcars.

   I entered the word bit*h into my GPS and guess what, I'm in your driveway!!

   canceling my subscription!! I'm tired of your issues.

   I think Jerry Springer should moderate the next debate.