Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People who text back instantly. Keep it up, I like that shi t.

   Hey guys, just to let you all know I'll be closing my facebook account in three days... But in four days I'll be explaining why I didn't leave

   My outgoing message: Hi,, I'm gonna be honest, I screen people I don't want to talk to,,, You can leave a message, but if you heard this,,,,,It's you

   Today,,,, I feel like I need the vulgarity expansion pack for autocorrect

   I don't give advice because screwing up my own life requires my undivided attention

   I hate all those girls who think acting stupid is cute. Grow up.

   I wish I was in a gang, I never know what to do with my hands when taking pictures.

   No horror movie will ever scare me as much as Courage The Cowardly Dog scared me.

   Wearing crocs to protect your virginity.

   Say it to my face coward, not through your status.

   After you kill somebody with kindness, is there a way to "discreetly dispose of the body with kindness"?

   When someone doesn't like the taste of peanut butter I question their loyalty to the United States.

   You haven't experienced awkwardness and felt like a complete idiot until you try to tickle someone who isn't ticklish.

   It's amazing how everyone is suddenly a political genius one month every 4 years.

   The week has seven days: Monday, Monday, Monday, Monday, Friday, Saturday and preMonday.

   Hmmmm.. Do you ever wonder if Nicki Minaj butt dials more than most people?..

   In celebration of turning a year older, I'll be wearing my birthday suit all day.....so just make sure that's my HAND you're shaking at church tomorrow!

   who wants leftover bacon....said no one ever

   If you are an option, you are also an idiot

   I'm voting for the first candidate that walks up to the podium in the next debate and does the "Vitameatavegamin" skit! HA!