Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If crazy were a place, it would be here.

   Great minds think alike. But dirty minds think the same.

   Oh I get it. Winnie the Pooh Bear can climb a tree with no pants, but when I have a few drinks and do it, people start freaking out.

   You're not a real man until you've electrocuted yourself.

   I don't mean to brag, but I unclog all my own pipes.

   The doctor said to treat my daughter's scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.

   I bite my own lip because I can't bite yours.

   Funny how when a woman is drunk and walks in your door to have violent sex, it's all fun. But when I do the same thing, I'm being arrested?

   I like woman who are mentally stable and sexually unstable.

   I thought I had a real feeling today. Turned out I was just sober.

   Sorry young dub-steppers. We used up all the best drugs and beats 15 years ago. Back to the drawing board, kids

   I greet all conflict with a joke, a smile and a laugh. It's not that I'm the bigger man. It just makes my enemies hate me so much more.

   If you ever see me drinking alcohol (I don't drink) or see me being a slut (I'm a good girl).......whatever you do, don't stop me.

   There's a reason why natural disasters have female names.

   C0ndoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

   I never realized how strong I was...until being strong is the only choice I have left ♡

   Good news...I got my power back! No, not my electricity, my invisibility. You look nice tonight.

   With all do respect to Whitney (may she RIP), why did she not fix her child's teeth!!

   I bet the taliban is watching Honey Boo Boo saying "We can now watch them destroy themselves."

   Most people don't realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.