Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tell me what you want, so I can be sure to ignore you more efficiently.

   Just remember when you are handing kids candy for coming to your door that you may be creating a future Jehovah's Witness.

   The wall clock at work seems to be stuck on half past f*ck this sh*t o' clock.

   I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.

   Almost time to get me a bag of assorted candy. Last year I got mine from Batman. Superhero my ass. He wasn't as tall as I expected... and he cried like a little kid.

   I just invented a time machine for you so that you can travel back in time and, quite literally, go f*ck yourself. Twice.

   You make a valid point, but there is a major flaw in your argument. You assume that I'm listening to you.

   it "for f*cks sake" or "for f*ck sake"? It's for work, so I want to make sure this e-mail is professional...

   Christmas shopping done.... I got everyone a box with a note in it that reads. "Sorry, the world was suppose to end so I didn't get you anything. Blame the Mayans!"

   Last time I went "trick or treating" for Halloween, I got so high beforehand that I just stood on my own porch ringing the doorbell all night.

   I'm ashamed of this but one Halloween I handed out bouillon cubes. Ha! Joking. I'm not ashamed, it was hilarious.

   I've given out the same candy for over 5 Halloweens now. It's a Jolly Rancher... on a string.

   A pinata is NOT a good idea for a Halloween costume.

   Girls during Halloween have Definitely made new meaning to Trick. Or Treat...

   NJ Gov Christie has cancelled Halloween… people are being asked to send any previously purchased Candy to the Office of the Governor.

   Thank you Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!!!

   Halloween: The only night of the year a girl can dress up like a complete slut and not have her motives questioned.

   They say you are what you eat. I don't recall eating a legend.

   I don't care if this urinal handle is ten feet up.....I'm still flushing with my foot!!

   For those visiting NY city. Please considerate to respect those that live/work there and remember that all streets are currently considered a NO WAKE zone.