Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I win the lottery I am going to buy all the raisin cookies in the world and throw them in the trash.

   I'll bet it would be excruciating to listen to Foghorn Leghorn sing a cover version of Jackson/McCartney's "Say Say Say."

   Please don't curse and use bad words when you comment on my posts. My mother f*cking family is on Facebook. Thank you.

   what have we learned from Katrina and Sandy? If you're b lack and live near the coast, you're f ucked...

   Dems hate rich people except those who can sing, act or play a sport...

   If I ever get tagged in a Yoga photo, please send the police, I have been kidnapped by some Zen extremists.........!!!!!

   69% of people on FB are childish and immature

   Everyone don't forget to get out and vote. Tell all of your friends too. Republicans on Tuesday and Democrats on Wednesday.

   looking for a female that will go down on me as much as dish network does!

   If I had known she was going to start wearing clothes,,, I would never have eaten it. ~ Adam

   Often we fail to appreciate those closest to us... Soooo, go waaaaaaaay over there, I would appreciate it...

   Police have reported that Tony the Tiger and the Captain Crunch have been murdered. A police spokesman said it could be the work of a cereal killer.

   If the neighbors don't know your name, you're not f*cking your woman right...

   If you've never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you've never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

   Men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color and we have no idea what mauve is.

   If you're looking for a girl, here is what to look for: 1) HOT 2) SANE 3) SINGLE ... now pick two

   The only people who get offended are hypocrites. And I'm happy to make them uncomfortable...

   I'm so poor this week that if someone were to try to rob me they would laugh and give me money.

   Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.

   Huh, So you are telling me that these straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress? And not for what I've been using them for all this time?