Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I need more space in my heart for all this pain!

   Its not a coincidence that its always the ugly girls who say they dont need a man.

   You better believe it's true love, if first thing I want to do in morning is kiss you without waiting for you brush your teeth.

   I love you too much to avenge what you did to me.

   I heard there's a new drink bartenders are making, it's called a "Hurricane Sandy", essentially it's just a watered down Manhattan. (too soon?)

   Here, let me fix that grin on your face with this shovel.

   My heart is saying no but my mind is saying yes. Shhhh, quiet down heart. Let's see where this leads.

   Just a friendly reminder: There's 51 shopping days before Xmas. Of course according to the Mayans, the world will end in 48 days, so you decide…

   Day 2: I am thankful for my Dad not pulling out..Thanks Pops

   Marriages are made in heaven by angels who themselves are happy bachelors.

   And for my next trick, I am gonna make 20 of my FB friends delete and block me in next 10 hours.

   I forgive people immediately, after Karma gets them for me.

   I don't want to be owned, but I do want to be possessed.

   The problem with feelings is WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME?

   I love you.... and your weed.

   I need a Stalker that will take out the trash before going thru it

   Ever notice the bigger the girl, the more Looney Tunes characters she has on her shirt.

   Ubid, Deal Dash and all other penny auctions are gambling sites for shopaholics.

   Aerosmith on the Today Show. Willard Scott Wished them all a happy 100th birthday.

   Today when you are looking at your pay-stub, keep in mind that the 48 million people on welfare like you!!