Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Make Tuesday fun at work today........If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

   My wife and I got in a car accident today. She was behind the wheel driving, and I was on the outside of the car getting hit by it.

   I put my symptoms into WebMD and found out I've started menopause.

   I once dated a girl in college with only four toes on each foot. She was kind of cute but the relationship never went anywhere because I'm lack-toes intolerant.

   I'm on a new diet where I eat nothing but wildebeest meat. It's called Gnutrisystem.

   If you sit behind me honking your horn for letting a car into traffic I'm going to super polite and wait to let the next five cars to pull out into traffic as well.

   Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and you can bang his wife every weekend.

   Ashli Babbit on vaccines: "I got my shot, now go get yours".

   Covid vaccine now FDA approved. You can shut your pie hole now and get the jab. Oh, you won't? You were lying? Shocker.

   I find it humorous that all of a sudden people care about the Afghanistan people. God, humans are so hypocritical.

   I bet the people who voted for Biden are turning over in their graves

   Just got another text from my ex-wife saying "wish you were here" she does this every time she walks pass a cemetery

   "If you don't stop picking at that thing it will never heal." -Sound medical advice or an insult to a banjo player

   Money can't buy you happiness, but being poor can't buy you anything.

   Everyone my age already on baby no 3 I'm still on Mambo no 5

   Pit bulls are dangerous because I’m willing to jump out of a moving car to pet one

   Life pro tip #366: Never make a midnight snack in the dark. A peanut butter and salsa sandwich taste exactly how it sounds

   I was gonna cook alligator for dinner, but my stove is broken and all I have is a croc pot.

   The difference between a conspiracy theory and reality is about two weeks.

   Do people actually believe in their ridiculous conspiracy theories, or are they just trolling?