Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My friend who was being beaten by two guys saw me and he yelled "Are you just gonna stand there and do nothing?!". So I took a video and posted it on youtube.

   Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer? Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.

   Yes, I will judge you by how you treat other people even if you're sweet as pie to me. Be kind or go to hell.

   I carry a gun because I'd rather be judged by 12 than carried by six.

   What the hell is a 'stable relationship' and is it as horrible as it sounds?

   The perfect man is the one that can afford my therapy bills.

   I don't care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn't grab you is to use the run and jump method.

   Tagged Photos-Rule #1: The hottest girl in the pic is the one not tagged.

   Just because I don't post it everyday doesn't mean I'm not thankful for the things I have.

   Now that Colorado has legalized marijuana it is only logical they change the Rocky Mountains to the Smokey Mountains

   Let's leave Florida out of it next time. They've got enough on their plate, no need to burden them with national concerns.

   Marriage: Women giving up the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.

   Just made a dentist appt to have my eyes checked. I can't hear a thing.

   Your dirtier than my browsers history!

   Once you realize that someone is rubbing you the wrong way and you are convinced that there will never be a happy ending, you are undoubtedly in a bad relationship or,,,, you are being massaged by a witch.

   ■Sometimes I put my hands on the floor, tuck my head into my chest and lean forward, cause that's how I roll.

   I don't know why hospitals need to advertise. It's not like I'm going to go to Home Depot instead...

   remember kids to always try 100%...not just 53%...u still need that other 47% to get things done

   No thats not SWAG, thats just an idiot who doesn't know what a belt is.

   Stock tip: Buy Frito-Lay, Little Debbie and any other snack food stock... The people in Colorado and Washington State are going to be getting the munchies.