Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   keep scrolling... I got nothing!!

   Rocky Mountain High? John Denver was able to foresee the future! Well, except for the whole running out of gas in an airplane thing.

   Big bird is now out of "WITNESS PROTECTION"

   Who won??? The giant douche or the turd sandwich??!

   Baby with a face like yours, I bet you just beat off all the guys!

   thinking it's time to stand up! My bum is numb...

   Cold toilet seats are no joke.

   I complained about a headache. Then I met a man with no head.

   "Doctor" is the most distinguished title that sounds like "dog turd."...just an observation, that's all @(ᵕ.ᵕ)@

   How come know-it-alls don't know how annoying they are?

   Don't worry, ladies. Cellulite goes away when you bend over.

   Grammar Nazis have typo negative blood.

   I don't really care what you think of me!! Unless you think I'm awesome. In which case you would be right :)

   Don't call them hobos. Call them "people with earning disabilities.

   Just took a dump without my phone. Where do I collect my Nobel Peace Prize?

   Any chair is a high chair if you smoke enough weed.

   I rated my wife's cooking on urbanspoon.. I sure hope she does not see it.

   First aid?! You mean Jack Daniels?

   My dentist just told me I have 6 months to live.

   And for all of you who are Telepathic...............