Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't know how girls can deep throat, I almost threw up because I forgot to chew a Mentos.

   I asked my wife for advice once. Worst three days of my life.

   I save a lot of money on makeup by just being attractive.

   All my friends are doing it, and quite frankly, I feel left out. Big woman, 37, never married. Seeks divorce.

   Sometimes I look at all this cool stuff I own and realise that I probably wouldn't have any of it if I was married.

   Fortune Cookie: Woman who go fishing with six men...go home with red snapper.

   Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.

   I'm the Michael Jordan of all sports, because I haven't played any since like 2003.

   I now have 98 problems (thanks to abortion).

   We gave you Nickelback and Justin Bieber. You responded with the Kardashians and Honey Boo Boo. Well played America, well played

   If these walls could talk, there would just be one more thing in this house that doesn't answer me when I speak.

   To me, drink responsibly means don't spill it.

   Every guy has a soft sensitive side. It's called “I need to get laid and I'll say and do anything to make it happen”

   I can totally relate to cranky elderly people. I mean you can only be nice for so long!

   Sometimes I screw up intentionally just so I can say, “You were right dear” B itches love hearing “You were right dear”

   I've done a lot of stuff to see beautiful women naked....but Twitter has got to be the most labor intensive

   Part of the reason I'm entertained by things that my girlfriend hates is because my girlfriend hates them.

   If I was black I wouldn't buy Band-Aids til they made them in my skin color, just sayin.

   Question: if you infected all the undead with tetanus, wouldn't lock jaw solve the pesky zombie apocalypse problem?

   I'm really sorry LMFAO, I'm gonna have to start shuffling every other day. The soles of my shoes are wearing out too quickly.