Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I took a nap... Well, actually I was jumping on the bed and the ceiling fan knocked me unconscious,,,,,,,,,,,,,, But still

   checking her list...lots of naughty this year!!

   After today's news I can never look at Tickle Me Elmo the same way again.

   CORRECTION: "Who are we?" "Men!" "What do we want?" "s3x!" "When do we want it?" "24/7/365!"

   One man's hoe is probably another man's hoe too.

   Just put pop rocks in the kitty litter!

   Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side! Proof that even chickens believe in an afterlife.

   Jeez. There is no reason to tailgate me in the SLOW LANE. Especially when I'm doing 20 kph over the limit anyways. And those stupid ricer flashing red and blue lights on your roof make you look ridiculous.

   Day,.....whatever...i am thankful for Mexican food,adult diapers, internet porn, and Kleenex

   Hey Gen. Petraeus, look on the bright side. At least she was prettier than Monica Lewinski, Rielle Hunter and Schwarzenegger's maid combined...

   I bet an air freshener that smells like stale cigarette smoke would last forever.

   WARNING! if you get a mail where it says "go to hell", DON'T do it!! It's a fake mail! It's really hot down there and people are pissed

   You're damn straight I'm jealous! I'm buying a cage and putting you in it. No more seeing other cats.

   I just saw a kid wearing crocs. Wow if you hate your kid that much just put him up for adoption you don't have to make him suffer like that.

   The problem with frozen yoghurt is that it's not ice cream.

   Nothing says you will be in a bad mood all day like not having enough sleep. And by "not having enough sleep" I mean getting out of bed.

   I think about you all day & I can't wait to sleep at night just to see you in the morning. This is how I know our love is real, food.

   I bet there is nothing a hug from a panda can't fix.

   I wish I loved anything as much as Donald Trump loves to be relevant.

   Today is full of possibilities and I have a strong feeling none of them are mine.