Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People say Alcohol kills too many people. They don't realize how's my people are born because of it.

   Don't ever question my loyalty because you'll scare it away forever.

   It must suck to have just one arm.... Until you get arrested.

   Getting a cavity filled tomorrow... Geesh, I hate going to the airport

   With all these scandals w/ big bird & now elmo I'm kinda glad they nvr told me how 2 get 2 sesame st.

   When I was at the gym again this morning, I thought to myself "How can I subtly tell everyone that I always go to the gym?"

   I always wondered what a ''Chimichanga" was. Just found out. It's a bad case of diarrhea....

   When life gives you lemons, get some Tequila and call me

   The founder of McAfee Anti-Virus running away from the Law? Maybe Norton can detect him better!

   I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"

   If a man is talking, and there isn't a woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

   gathering up snow flakes to build a snowman.

   I'll cuddle or spoon with you, but I'm not gonna promise or guarantee that I won't get an erection.

   When a girl says she wants to feel special, DON'T buy her a helmet

   Throught I had sexiest man alive in the bag, but Tatum won the electoral vote and I only won the popular vote.

   When my girlfriend's football team wins it makes her horny, so I just keep replaying the one time they did. I'm not stupid.

   Most women I know that wear the pants in a relationship, rarely wear pants.

   I bet that the McAfee AntiVirus 2013 will include anti-virus, anti-spam, and anti-murder your neighbor options!

   Dear Lord; On the road today. Please give me the strength not to run people over and make pancakes out of them. I have no syrup.

   Humans are the only creatures on earth that will cut down trees, make paper, then write "SAVE TREES" on them.