Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Turn to me for spiritual guidance, then turn away from me for doggy style.

   What's a good Christmas gift for the woman who already has everything except morals?

   Chairs outside a women's fitting room are usually leather, sitting on a tile floor. For easy clean-up after husbands commit suicide there.

   A real man will always find time for his woman, even if it means blowing off a date with his mistress.

   I miss when a girl hit you it meant she liked you and you chased her around the playground. Now when she hits you, it's with her car.

   Women need to stop acting like their body isn't a man's property.

   What's a good Christmas gift for the man who has everything except a clue?

   You had me at: I have an office door that locks and a desk that's perfectly waist height.

   I wonder why God made cocaine taste better when mixed with stripper body glitter and why I'm not allowed to ask questions in church anymore.

   Don't sweat those numerous UFO sightings over Russia. I just gave Earth a 1 star rating and a lousy review on TripAdvisor. That should send them packing.

   There's a lot of people in the world pretending they don't know who I am.

   Ladies, no one wants to motorboat your rib cage. Eat a sandwich.

   Microwaving stuff which claims to be non-microwavable is kinda my thing.

   Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome............................. Take your time,,, I'll wait

   Tesco - It's the little things that make Christmas. Yeah, Vietnamese kids in sweat shops.

   I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.

   Today I am thankful for the 5th dentist who overcame extreme prejudice by defiantly standing against the other 4 dentists and chose NOT to recommend sugarless gum for his patients who chewed gum.

   hmmm, I wonder where the girls that ate the poopoo out of the cup are today?

   Forget the Mayans, if Twinkies makers don't return to work by 5 pm, the world ends today.

   A Mayan in a landscaper uniform at the gas station just winked at me while I took a sip of my coffee and smiled and said enjoy it while you can.!! WTF