Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I was black I wouldn't buy Band-Aids til they made them in my skin color, just sayin.

   Question: if you infected all the undead with tetanus, wouldn't lock jaw solve the pesky zombie apocalypse problem?

   I'm really sorry LMFAO, I'm gonna have to start shuffling every other day. The soles of my shoes are wearing out too quickly.

   i'm looking for the type of girl I can close my eyes and wish for every time its 11:11 and then open my eyes and see the most beautiful sandwich

   Single and failing to mingle.

   Nothing better than starting the morning with a workout. And by workout, I mean sex.

   If it doesn't add value, subtract that shi t.

   Why do British people never sound British when they sing?

   Don't you ever forget who paved that lane you're in.

   I'd only consider running at night because frankly I'd rather be found dead in a ditch than have anybody see me running.

   If you're helping me move and I ask you to move the box that's completely taped shut you're holding the box with all my vibrat0rs in it.

   The biggest mistake of my life is that I said yes, when I meant to say no.

   cinco de mayo is not Mexico's Independence Day! retard!

   You know that moment when you look into your girlfriend's eyes and know exactly what she is thinking? ...well could you tell me what that is like because I have no idea what the hell is in her brain.

   I really wanted to tell someone how much I appreciated them but then I realized cake had no ears :(

   You Mexican people and your crazy customs, what does a sink full of mayonnaise have to do with independence?

   I'm not saying I'm a celebrity or something, but I was asked to autograph receipts at 3 separate bars tonight.

   Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.

   All my life I thought air was free.... until I bought a bag of potato chips

   My girlfriend surprised me with bubble wrap panties last night. Lets just say it was fun Popping ........that Coochie!