Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's Saturday.. Turning my give-a-crap-o' meter down... █ ▆ ▅ ▄ ▃ ▂

   Man, I get a lot of junk emails. Apparently, there's a lot of folks out there that wanna make my p enis 3 inches longer.

   Well I just broke up with my girlfriend 'cause I'm engaged now.

   Ladies; I am the kind of guy who, when I see you out on a romantic walk with your man holding hands, I will probably hold your other hand.

   Tell me you love me. Then get in the kitchen, make me a sandwich and let me play my video games so I know it's real

   Sext: 'Ride me harder, baby. Harder' Me: 'I'M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?'

   My wife just cleaned out her purse. So, she'll be having a garage sale later this week.

   Last night I sprayed under my kitchen sink for roaches with this cheap Chinese-made insect killer. Not only did it leave them alive, they kept me up all night talking.

   My wife likes to whisper in my ear during intimacy. Things like,"Did you remember to record Grey's Anatomy?"

   News knowledge is important. I was discussing with a guy about the Gaza Strip. He thought it was the adhesive side of a maxi pad.

   Video killed the radio star and the union killed Twinkies!

   Hahahaha!!! Pour me some more Champagne! Fuck!n' A! WOO HOO! YAY! YAY! ~Little Debbie

   I can't believe ALL these single women in my area want to meet me....it's probably due to all the I-Pads I've been winning!

   My life coach just told me to fake an injury

   If I owned a copy store I would only hire identical twins

   the fact that Taylor Swift has a new boyfriend is proof that guys are idiots...

   Dolly Madison , you're on the bench ..... Little Debbie , suit up , you`re on .........

   I am so glad my cats don't have opposable thumbs. I can't begin to imagine what would be written on my face when I wake up in the morning.

   The thought of a Fiscal year doesn't worry me all that much but a Fisting Year........now that's a different story.

   perfect girls are aint real . . Real girls are aint perfect either