Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We'd be the perfect couple, if you'd stop spraying my eyes with mace.

   Thanks to Obama i'm at the supermarket buying my Marie Calender Thanksgiving Turkey dinner.

   I'm dreaming of a tight Christmas!

   my son's Elmo doll just grabbed my junk. Can I get in on the lawsuits??

   I really, really, really enjoy being off of work.

   Come to think of it, the sinking of the Titanic was probably viewed as a miracle by the lobsters in the kitchen.

   Honey, I'm lookin' at the 1,500 pictures of yourself that you posted on Facebook.. but where's the one of your self-respect?

   As long as my girlfriend and I aren't fighting, we like sit down on the couch and get into a nice, long argument.

   Don't try and fix me, just love me dammit!

   "Can I get you some tea?" -- old guys with ponytails

   Taking my car to the mechanics today...if only I could just get it drunk and the problems would go away.

   I heard my first holiday ringtone this morning while waiting for coffee. If anyone asks, I was with you guys between the hours 7 and 10 am.

   Just saw Ke$ha perform on the Today Show and I'm pretty sure I have gonorrhea now.

   Bud, try using a tampon to keep those pathetic "missing you" emotions from flowing out of your mangina

   One Cup Of Coffee, A Dash Of Milk, and A Half Pound Of Sugar! Thats How I Roll!

   You haven't experienced awkward until you tickle someone who isn't ticklish

   "When I was a kid, we didn't even HAVE the internet!" is the new "I had to walk to school uphill, BOTH WAYS!"

   ''Send me a pic'' never fails to ruin a conversation....

   i think before a member of congress makes a speech they should be drunk ....that way they wont lie

   Those girls who think every guy wants them. Not really.