Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I need you, I just close my eyes and down some painkillers with a glass of wine - and suddenly I don`t need you anymore.

   if you order a hamburger at a mexican restaurant you're a terrorist

   The problem joining Scientology is that you just know they'll give Tom Cruise the best spaceship.

   Nothing says 'single and friendless' quite like a album full of pictures of yourself taken by yourself.

   Who brings Boxing Gloves to a Gun fight?

   Be smart because you won't be pretty forever.

   How long after walking into someone's house is it acceptable to ask for their wifi password?

   You're either with me or a murder victim.

   Who Shot Hector Camacho? You thought I was going to say JR?

   So...if yesterday was Black Friday, and today is Broke Saturday, then tomorrow must be Return everything Sunday?

   How can something I can't get rid of be called 'leaves'?

   Most people learn from lessons others have to be taught...

   Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.

   Seriously though, nobody wants to hear your ringtone

   Nickelodeon should just stop making new shows and replay all the old ones

   Black Friday = Broke Saturday

   Aren't we all supposed to die next month or is that cancelled?

   Ok......I don't think this Black Friday thing is working. I'm still white?

   I hate seeing people who owe me money post pics of all they bought on Black friday

   ...ain't nobody got time for that...oh Lord Jesus, it's a fire...