Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just remember this holiday season, if you say "May you kiss may ass" really fast, it sound just like "Merry Christmas"..

   Quick turn on the news!!! 2 car pile up in Arizona..288 Mexicans were killed.

   Nascar would be so more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.

   I'm allergic to stupidity. I break out in sarcasm.

   I don't think I could ever stab someone...I can barely get the straw into a Capri Sun!

   Just spent the better part of my Saturday morning yelling at this midget to get out of my yard... before finally realizing it was just a garden gnome.

   If you Happy and you know it thank your ex

   What do you mean sex with no strings attached, how else am I gonna tie that ass up?

   Apparently one of those 3 wishes he got from "Jeanie" didn't include livong forever....RIP Larry Hagman

   I'm the reason they lock up expensive liquor!

   I'm not crying, I just have some emotions stuck in my eye.

   I just want to do my part. Are prostitutes a small business?

   It has been so long, even my memory foam mattress forgot the last time I had sex.

   I'd like to take this opportunity to thank the makers of alcohol for making life worth living.

   Do you suppose that, perhaps, we should not take apocalypse clues from a race that has failed in its own attempt to survive?

   Life takes you where you are meant to be. Apparently I am meant to be poor with a ton of education and experience.

   The 911 operator told me being dead inside isn't an emergency if I'm still able to talk and breathe and stuff. Whatever.

   Procrastination is a dish best served some other time.

   When opportunity knocks, I usually have the music turned up way to loud to hear it.

   Every day is independence day when you are single!