Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   a kid gets hurt in a bounce house every 46 minutes so I only let mine play for 45 minutes...

   Whoever said you can't teach an old dog new tricks hasn't met my dog. I told him to play dead and after 5 straight day's he's still going strong...

   I would lose weight, but I hate losing

   The evil that men do is nothing compared to the evil that women will spend an entire lifetime plotting.

   It should be called a vaninja since I never see it.

   Just wrote ‘You have no new messages' on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.

   A woman who can make her man accompany her to the mall for shopping when there is a football match on TV probably don't give blow jobs either.

   If only chubby chasers actually chased chubby people... Then we wouldn't have such a problem with obesity.

   If my dog could talk, I think he'd say, "I don't appreciate it when you tell me that there's a squirrel outside, when there clearly isn't."

   I'd rather watch John Goodman rub mayonnaise on himself once an hour for the rest of my life, than listen to "Call Me Maybe" one more time

   okay...who the hell keeps kicking my shoes under the bed.

   Next time I see a dead deer on the side of the road, I'm gonna leave and come back dressed as Santa with a sign that says "Help, need ride!"

   The main thing I've discovered about facebook is...there are lots of b0ring people out there.

   Bed good outside bad!

   It's Cyber Sex Monday :)

   The Long Island Medium shoulda been able to find victims of Sandy way easier than the corpse sniffin dogs

   Please support our non-profit organization for terminally I'll witnesses and informers, Snitches Get Wishes.

   If anyone catches me singing in my car, my immediate reaction is to stare at them until it's equally awkward for both of us.

   the worst part of being naked is not having pockets

   Sorry about the cold weather, everybody. I didn't realize I put my new air conditioner in backwards.