Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You never heard or seen a pothead come home and beat his wife have you?

   If I bend over for any reason and you don't immediately come behind and air hump me, you're not my kinda guy.

   Reality T.V. Show Idea: Put The Kardashians, Honey Boo Boo, and the Jersey Shore cast on a island. Have them fight it out until the last one stands and call it "Who Gives A Fu¢k"

   Men with balls of steel get extra cold in the winter.

   Let's fall in love with each other but end up marrying other people.

   That nervous moment when we're at a Fiscal Cliff and Obama's campaign slogan is "Forward"

   Show me on this bottle of Jack Daniels where feelings happened.

   My girl tells me i'm a flirt. I tell her i'm just trying to have sex with other women.

   Ain't no sunshine when she's gone, but there is Xbox.

   Facing the music and out dancing every single tune on it.

   Let me know when the power ball "Jokes" are over

   my neighbors house looks like Feliz Navidad threw up.

   There... crazy glued quarters to the ground in front of the vending machine at work...let the fun begin....

   What is the difference between a Snickers and Justin Bieber? The Snickers has nuts....ZING...

   This is the time of year when you can put mistletoe in your back pocket so that people who don't like you can kiss your...well you know...

   Note to the Administrators of PowerBall, I think you should award a prize for not having any of the numbers selected in Wednesdays $579 million drawing! Signed, Not a Fan of Missouri and Arizona

   Imagine how many people are going to commit suicide next month, simply because they believe the world will really end. On a related note: Imagine how much higher the world's average IQ will be come January.

   Bill Gates made his name in software. Richard Branson made his name in air travel and media. Donald Trump made his in property. I made my name in Campbell's alphabet soup.

   All those years of saving and financial planning should get me through my retirement with relative ease. As long as the world ends on Dec. 21st.

   Maybe our Government should deal with the debt ceiling like Charlie and his Grandfather did in Willy Wonka during the fizzy lifting scene. Expel a lot of gas