Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you live by the sword, I guess that's pretty cool. I live by some trees and other houses

   To all my Friends: I need to be more active & spend less time on the computer, so December 31st will be my last day on Facebook for the year . I will return at the start of the New Year on January 1st. Thank you for understanding, I'll miss you all dearly

   "You are what you eat" That's funny, I don't remember eating a legend lately...

   The only productive part of me today is my liver.

   Jack "THE" Ripper and Winnie "THE" Pooh have the same middle name. Coincidence? I think not...

   when you do something because you want to do it is when you will be most successful

   i love when rich people compliment me on things that I spent less than $5 on

   I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems.

   Turn on radio*: "shine bright like a-" *Turns off radio

   I'm watching The Alamo Bowl on ESPN. My main concern isn't who wins, my main concern is if I'll remember it.

   Snowed again so I put on clean underwear this morning in case I get in an accident on the way to work

   I was sitting across the bus today from a very sexy Thai girl...and I kept saying to myself "Don't get an erection , Don't get an erection"....But she did

   Got a talking scale for Christmas. First thing it said was "one at a time, please..."

   So, This 83 year old drives into a bar...

   Instagram... Where all guys think they relate to carl zeiss, and all girls are trying their best to look like total prostitues...

   italian food has many pastabilities...

   perfectly capable of lying about whether or not he likes big butts.

   I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy.

   Earlier today I looked at the car next to me, and I saw the driver texting while driving. How dangerous! I was so shocked I almost dropped my guitar.

   Please put this on your status if you know someone, are related to, and/or adore someone who has ADD or ADHD. 93% of peo oh snap is that a dog outside?