Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm gonna buy a pizza 5 minutes before the new year and when they arrive I'll say "I ordered this damn thing a year ago!"

   Was visited by 3 spirits last night. Vodka, rum and gin.

   Oh bloody hell! Someone has eaten all of the figgy pudding! ツ

   guess what I found under the Christmas tree??? Floor tiles!

   I've long accepted the fact my parents were Santa. But what I still don't get is how they manage to deliver all the presents around the world in a single night

   Hope all the gun haters are watching "A Christmas Story" right now, Ralphie just got his Red Ryder BB Gun!

   You can tell a lot about a person by making vast assumptions.

   FYI: Hospitals don't like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first..........Geesh

   What time do we take our kids door to door for presents?

   I just robbed everyone at a Whole Foods Market and I was armed with nothing but a bag of gluten

   I bet Billy Mays is up in Heaven partying like its $19.99

   Last night I slept for eight hours straight. Then two hours gay.

   Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Slim Fast, all rubbish. You want to lose weight? Move to England. The food is horrid.

   JUST saw Santa jumping from roof to roof with half a dozen cops behind him. Perhaps he lost his Reindeer and they're helping him find them?

   I dont know if yall know but umm ...its Christmas time in Hollis Queens

   Since that very first time I laid my eyes on you, I knew in that moment that I wanted to spend the rest of my life... avoiding you.

   i don't get it...tonight theres millions of breaking & entering cases but nobody calls the police because they get bought off with presents

   I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out, I'll pop open the red and drink that.

   Found the perfect stocking stuffer. Someone threw away a perfectly good prosthetic leg in the dumpster.

   Friendly Christmas Reminder: If you're telling a joke to a group of family members and friends, and no one laughs, there is NO need to REPEAT the joke a second time!