Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Honey maybe you will feel better if you poop.

   I wonder if Steve Jobs is in hell and they've given him a BlackBerry.

   Most women want to tell the truth about their age, but they just can't believe it themselves.

   Attracting attention is easy. Attracting something meaningful is another story.

   I never fart when I'm with a woman. I'm saving myself for marriage.

   The bigger the ass on a woman, the bigger the morning log in the toilet. Keep that in mind.

   Just because you've had a lot of lovers doesn't automatically mean you're an ideal one.

   Why is it that society gives us the impression that all Brazilian chicks are sluts?

   Whoever said, "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach" clearly had no idea how to give a stellar blow job.

   How dare you not notice me ignoring you. - women.

   You know those bugs that fly into your windshield? Those were the married ones.

   Whoever invented self checkout greatly overestimated the general intelligence of the human race.

   Real men kill spiders for their women with no goddamn backtalk.

   Free to good home: One useless black & white neutered female 9 year old cat. So useless has let 2 mice in this year alone. Doesn't even have to be a good home. Mediocre will do!!

   Women may not hit harder, but we hit lower.

   It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.

   One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep $hit.

   people who say same exact are dumb stupid...

   I was going to post a picture of the beautiful sunrise this morning but I forgot I'm a lazy sob...

   I love honeymoon but without the marriage.