Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I really want to get an iPad mini, so that at night when I'm alone and I'm feeling worthless, I can say to myself: "but I have an iPad!" and then I"ll feel better.

   Math problem: If you have 3 cats and you buy another 2 cats, how long before you die alone?

   I like big books and I can not lie.

   I find it a little insulting when I do a facebook search for an old friend, and I get a message stating, "Sorry. There's no account set up for this person who obviously has a life."

   My wife sure gets a kick out of my restless leg syndrome.

   Forgive me Oprah for I have sinned. This is my first confession in twenty years....

   If anything the Lance Armstrong confession confirms my belief that exercise leads to deceitful behavior.

   Allergy season must be near... blooming idiots are everywhere

   sometimes I put hot sauce in the ketchup bottles at work

   When asked, "What is the best way to end an arguement with your wife" , I usually say a Hit & Run! She'll never see it coming!

   "You've changed" ... No, I think the proper term is "I've stopped trying to please your ass."

   Lance Armstrong admits to cheating. Can you believe the ball of that guy?

   Taylor Swift set to release a new single about her her next boyfriend it's entitled, "You saw it coming"

   Most girls: "I hangout with guys, there's less drama." Me: "I hangout by myself. There's no drama

   When the "M" of MTV was for music & not for maternity... Those were the days

   WARNING: Objects in profile pics are not as pretty as they appear.

   The number of "followers" you have does not make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12.

   "One Direction" has 12 letters. So does "gayyyyyyyyyy". Coincidence? I think not.

   i wonder if Rihanna was watching Twilight when she wrote the lyrics "shine bright like a diamond"

   Which came first, tired or cranky?!