Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Screw doing sit ups...teddy bears don't and everyone loves them.

   Having hemorrhoids isn't so bad. All of the itching gives you something to do with your hands when you quit smoking ツ

   People always ask me, where do I come up with my status', do I make them up, or do I get them from the internet.. Truth is people. I use Status Enhancing Drugs.

   I'm too tired. Go love someone else.

   I know you shouldn't text and drive but I've only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.

   Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

   "Justin Bieber" has 12 letters. So does gayyyyyyyyyy. Coincidence? I think not.

   Had a burger bought from Tesco earlier, got the trots now...

   I don't know whats worse reading Ikea furniture directions or being a Tooth Pick Salesman in West Virgina

   Just checked the burgers in the fridge.... And they're off.....

   Now, I'm not making any accusations, here. All I'm saying is it's a little suspicious when a farmer decides to call his pig "Babe"...

   Drunk Girls: Can you take a picture of us? Me: Sure! Drunk Girls: You just took a picture of the floor. Me: It's better this way.

   I just got out of bed and decided I'd trim that annoying hair on my eyebrow that kept getting in my eye last night... Now I have half an eyebrow

   Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn't mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.

   I only do what I’m told when I like what I am told.

   My wife told me to change my kid’s diaper, but we were at a crowded playground and it was SO much easier to just change kids instead.

   A good relationship is when the man thinks twice before every decision the woman makes.

   There was so much drug abuse on the Tour it shouda been called the Tour De Roid.

   I saw a fat guy with a "M.O.B." tattoo on his arm. I asked "money over b*tches?" He said "No, McDonalds over Burger King.

   I'm never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken...