Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I did so much crack last night, I broke into my own house. I was halfway out with the TV before I realized it was my place.

   How does Justin Bieber have almost 33 million followers? It's gotta be vag pics, because she isn't even remotely funny.

   I'm lonely, but not 'talk to people' lonely.

   The difference between being married and being single is when you're single you don't have to listen to anyone snore while not getting laid.

   20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope and no jobs... Please don't let Kevin Bacon die.

   he asked to be the little spoon... so I went home

   I vehemently deny that I have ever used Status Enhancing Drugs (brb, Oprah is calling...)

   Did you know..... President Obama's inaugural parade will feature eight floats, including a Hawaii float to honor his birthplace, an Illinois float to honor the first lady’s home state, and a Kenyan float just to mess with Republicans

   there's a million fish in the sea and I'm just worm to attract them!

   The US beat Canada at hockey this week... In retaliation, a new Nickelback album will be unleashed.. We brought this upon ourselves America.

   Obama reminds me of ThomasJefferson. He liked some dark meat, too...

   Wife yelled my first, middle and last name this morning! Not sure if it was the dirty underwear left on the bathroom floor, the unmade bed, the dirty clothes by the bed, or the dirty dishes . I think I had better go run errands.

   Sorry I just woke up from a coma,,, and OH MAYA GOD,,, They got the date wrong

   Just so you know the new rules to CPR,,,, there's no more blowing, just pumping,,,,,,,,,,,,,, I know,, It's like the romance is gone

   I'm in my underwear on the porch in a rocking chair drinking my coffee................. Man,, Is this Cracker Barrel packed this morning or what?

   If you can fold a fitted sheet, you're obviously a witch

   You people freak me out talking about stalking. Especially you.... sitting there in your blue & white striped polo shirt reading that book on your couch.

   It's true. Girls just want to have fun. And ruin your life in the process.

   Just saw a homeless woman eating cat food. I really felt bad for her. She couldn't even Instagram it first.

   my water bottles are so thin it feels like I grabbed a water balloon with a cap. Hand me that piev