Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why don't chicken breast have nipples?

   So thankful for Facebook! Otherwise I would have to call 563 people every morning to let them know that I just ate breakfast

   Nicki Minaj, a judge on American Idol we are being Punk'd right?

   Being strong-willed does NOT mean I am a b itch. It means I am in control of my life, stick to what I believe in and do NOT rely on anyone but myself.

   Baby, I would take a bullet for you... In Halo 4... Unless I'm on a kill streak.

   there another Harbaugh brother out there who the Bengals can hire? I'd even settle for a cousin.

   my brain is like a prison....has all those cells & they dont all get used all the time

   Major cold front heading our way with significant wind chills... shrinkage is imminent

   I hate when I’m about to hug someone really sexy and then my face hits the mirror.

   well, my wife got her annual breast x-ray today and my suspicions were confirmed. Slinkys...

   who pays for the electric bill for light at the end of the tunnel??

   I love Ebay. Sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month.

   joy, now we get to spend the next 2 weeks hearing about the Harbaugh brothers...

   I missed the zombie apocalypse um... er.... I mean Inauguration today...

   Nothing is more conflicting to men than an ugly woman with a really nice a$$.

   why does every ginger thinks she looks like Daphne from Scooby Doo??

   Wow... over 500,000 people attended Obama's Inauguration today.. and only 7 missed work

   I want a monster in my bed, not under it.

   I've got a lot of respect for born again Christian women. God bless you all. (One less slut out there for me to compete with.)

   I don't mean to brag, but after 30 years of marriage, my wife and I still have sex almost every night. We almost had it Friday night, almost Saturday, almost… ツ